Prince Phillip OG

In my limited opinion, the greatest living member of royalty is Prince Phillip. Sure, Elizabeth is queen, but Phillip is the king of bon mots.

  • To a woman solicitor, 1987: “I thought it was against the law for a woman to solicit.”
  • At a Bangladeshi youth club in 2002:“So who’s on drugs here?… HE looks as if he’s on drugs.”
  • To Scottish driving instructor, 1995: “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?”
  • A VIP at a local airport asked HRH: “What was your flight, like, Your Royal Highness? Philip: “Have you ever flown in a plane?” VIP: “Oh yes, sir, many times.” “Well,” said Philip, “it was just like that.”
  • To female sea cadet last year: “Do you work in a strip club?”
  • To Simon Kelner, republican editor of The Independent, at Windsor Castle reception: “What are you doing here?” “I was invited, sir.” Philip: “Well, you didn’t have to come.”
  • On Princess Anne, 1970: “If it doesn’t fart or eat hay, she isn’t interested.”
  • At Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme, 2006. “Young people are the same as they always were. Just as ignorant.”
  • On how difficult it is in Britain to get rich: “What about Tom Jones? He’s made a million and he’s a bloody awful singer.”
  • After Dunblane massacre, 1996: “If a cricketer suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, are you going to ban cricket bats?”
  • To the Scottish Women’s Institute in 1961: “British women can’t cook.”
  • At a WF meeting in 1986: “If it has four legs and it’s not a chair, if it’s got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it’s not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.”
  • To wheelchair-bound nursing-home resident, 2002: “Do people trip over you?”
  • Discussing tartan with then-Scottish Tory leader Annabel Goldie last year: “That’s a nice tie… Do you have any knickers in that material?”
  • On Ethiopian art, 1965: “It looks like the kind of thing my daughter would bring back from school art lessons.”
  • To Susan Edwards and her guide dog in 2002: “They have eating dogs for the anorexic now.”
  • When offered wine in Rome in 2000, he snapped: “I don’t care what kind it is, just get me a beer!”
  • “I’d like to go to Russia very much – although the bastards murdered half my family.” 1967.
  • ”You are a woman, aren’t you?’ To a Kenyan woman in 1984, after accepting a state gift.
  • On seeing a piezo-meter water gauge in Australia: “A pissometer?”
  • To parents at a previously struggling Sheffield school, 2003: “Were you here in the bad old days? … That’s why you can’t read and write then!”
  • At Hertfordshire University, 2003: “During the Blitz, a lot of shops had their windows blown in and put up notices saying, ‘More open than usual’. I now declare this place more open than usual.”
  • To deaf children by steel band, 2000: “Deaf? If you’re near there, no wonder you are deaf.”
  • “People think there’s a rigid class system here, but dukes have even been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans.” 2000.
  • To a fashion designer, 2009: “Well, you didn’t design your beard too well, did you?”
  • To multi-ethnic Britain’s Got Talent 2009 winners Diversity: “Are you all one family?”
  • To President of Nigeria, who was in national dress, 2003: “You look like you’re ready for bed!”
  • His description of Beijing, during a visit there in 1986: “Ghastly.”
  • On the Duke of York’s house, 1986: “It looks like a tart’s bedroom.”
  • “We go into the red next year… I shall have to give up polo.” 1969.
  • At party in 2004: “Bugger the table plan, give me my dinner!”
  • On the 1981 recession: “A few years ago, everybody was saying we must have more leisure, everyone’s working too much. Now everybody’s got more leisure time they’re complaining they’re unemployed. People don’t seem to make up their minds what they want.”
  • To Elton John on his gold Aston Martin in 2001: “Oh, it’s you that owns that ghastly car, is it?”
  • To Aboriginal leader William Brin, Queensland, 2002: “Do you still throw spears at each filmother?”
  • At a Scottish fish farm: “Oh! You’re the people ruining the rivers.”
  • After a breakfast of bacon, eggs, smoked salmon, kedgeree, croissants and pain au chocolat – from Gallic chef Regis Crépy, 2002: “The French don’t know how to cook breakfast.”
  • To schoolboy who invited the Queen to Romford, Essex, 2003: “Ah, you’re the one who wrote the letter. So you can write then?”
  • To black politician Lord Taylor of Warwick, 1999: “And what exotic part of the world do you come from?”
  • To Andrew Adams, 13, in 1998: “You could do with losing a little bit of weight.”
  • “Where’s the Southern Comfort?” When presented with a hamper of goods by US ambassador, 1999.
  • To a group of industrialists in 1961: “I’ve never been noticeably reticent about talking on subjects about which I know nothing.”
  • To the General Dental Council in 1960: “Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, which I’ve practised for many years.”
  •  “I don’t think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing.” 1988.
  • While stuck in a Heriot Watt University lift in 1958: “This could only happen in a technical college.”
  • To newsreader Michael Buerk, when told he knew about the Duke of Edinburgh’s Gold Awards, 2004: “That’s more than you know about anything else then.”
  • To a British student in China, 1986: “If you stay here much longer, you’ll go home with slitty eyes.”
  • ‘What do you gargle with — pebbles?’ To Tom Jones, after the Royal Variety Performance, 1969. He later added: ‘It is very difficult at all to see how it is possible to become immensely valuable by singing what I think are the most hideous songs.’
  • ‘You managed not to get eaten then?’ To a British student who was trekking in Papua New Guinea, during an official visit in 1998.
  • ‘All money nowadays seems to be produced with a natural homing instinct for the Treasury.’ Lamenting the rate of British tax in 1963.
  • ‘I wish he’d turn the microphone off!’ During Elton John’s performance at the 73rd Royal Variety Show in 2001.

Posted by Horatio Cornblower

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2 thoughts on “Prince Phillip OG

  1. They don’t call him Prince Phillip of GREEK for nothing!! Playa must have got some mad pussy over the years…Sir, we salute you!!

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