Top 10 Bond Girls

This is undoubtedly a topic well covered elsewhere online, but having caned the Bond series for the past few months, I feel it necessary to list my top ten Bond women and it’s so tough to choose. Guy Hamilton (director of ‘Goldfinger’ and ‘Diamonds Are Forever’) is quoted as saying that producer Albert R. Broccoli was “the tit and bum man” out of the original producing duo (presumbably leaving Harry Saltzman as the legs man). This seems consistent with Britt Ekland’s reports that she was hired due to Broccoli seeing her nude performance in ‘The Wicker Man’ (1973) in which she had a fuller figure due to being pregnant. Apparently he was quite dismayed when she showed up on set with a much leaner body and attempted to get her to eat large plates of pasta whenever they headed out for dinner in order to try and make her more voluptuous again.

Sean Connerys deserved reputation for being a pants man also undoubtedly started on the sets of Bond films. Former Bond girl Lana Wood, who played Plenty O’Toole in the 1971 James Bond film ‘Diamonds Are Forever’, claims “We went out to dinner, then met some of his friends, then went for a walk, and you know. We actually started having an affair before filming began, but we kept it secret.” Reportedly, he was also schtupping Jill St John (who played Tiffany case) on the same film and had previously gotten close to Claudine Auger from the movie ‘Thunderball’. In case you feel Connery has taste though, he is also reputed to have banged Shelley Winters.

Ian Fleming – the creator of James Bond himself – was thrown out of Sandhurst military academy for contracting gonorrhoea from a hooker. He also had an open marriage with his socialite wife Ann Charteris and engaged in affairs with a variety of married women. Bear in mind though he had previously carried on an affair with Ann Charteris for a decade whilst she was married to her first husband and both of them had a prediliction for S & M and bondage. Fleming also assembled a large collection of porno at his Jamaican home Goldeneye which he liked to show off to both male and female visitors. Indeed the writing of the first James Bond novel ‘Casino Royale’ was described as “…matrimonial therapy’ by Fleming and he began writing the suave and sexy adventures of the world’s favourite spy the day after he got married… that is when he was not fucking Chris Blackwell (of Island Records fame)’s mother – Yes seriously.

Anyways… My top ten Bond women. Titty shots wherever possible.

10. Myriam de Abo

Plays Kara Milovy, who is Bond’s main love interest in ‘The Living Daylights’ (1987). Georgian/Dutch actress appeared in a bunch of forgettable crap and Timothy Dalton’s first outing as Bond. Probably not to everybody’s tastes, but she looks sweet and appeared in a Bond-themed Playboy cover and multi-page pictorial in September 1987. She is also the first cousin of the actress Olivia d’Abo who played Kevin’s sister in the late 80s/early 90s television show ‘The Wonder Years’.

9. Carey Lowell

Played the main Bond girl Pam Bouvier in the James Bond movie Licence to Kill (1989). Looking fairly frumpy in the first half, she cuts her hair and reveals more flesh in the second, ensuring her position in this list. There’s something about a girl with short hair and a voluptuous body that is really, really boner inducing. Think Jean Seberg in ‘Breathless’ (1960), picture Halle Berry, visually undress Natalie Portman.  Lowell married actor/celebrated gerbil lover Richard Gere on November 9, 2002. I hope this doesn’t mean she’s a lesbian.

8. Jill St John

Played Tiffany case in ‘Diamonds Are Forever’ (1971). This is one of my favourite James Bond movies and yet it seems to be universally reviled on the interweb. No idea why, other than people have limited taste. The very same people that claim this as being shit, praise ‘For Your Eyes Only’ which is actually shit. ‘Diamonds are Forever’ has great locations (mob era Vegas, 1970s Amsterdam), hilarious one liners that predate Clint Eastwood and Arnold Schwarzenegger, more violence than average for a Bond film, muscle cars, Charles Gray hamming it up, a reclusive Howard Hughes type character and Jill St john showing “…more cheek than usual…” as Tiffany Case. With a banging body, a certain amount of chutzpah and a selection of brightly colored bikinis, Jill St John shoots in at #8.

7. Ursula Andress

Played Honey Ryder in the first James Bond film ‘Dr No’ (1962). As the first Bond chick (and wearing a bikini during most of her screen time – natch!), Ursula Andress was always going to make this list. Her voice (like Claudine Auger’s in Thunderball) was dubbed for the film, but the body and face were all her own. Suffice to say, both parts of her anatomy are welcome to sit on my face anytime.

6. Daniela Bianchi

Played Tatiana Romanova in the 1963 James Bond movie From Russia with Love. Blonde, hot bodied and wearing a black choker, this list would be remiss if it didn’t feature Daniela.  She was 21 when she played Tatiana, having already been 1st runner-up in the 1960 Miss Universe contest. She later married a Genoan shipping magnate (presumably for the money).

5. Jayne Seymour

Played Solitaire in Roger Moore’s first outing as 007, Live and Let Die (1975). Jane Seymour was spotted in the TV series The Onedin Line and cast in the role. Apart from ‘Dr Quinn Medicine Woman’, I can’t think of a single other thing she has done, but she was beautiful in this and envy Roger Moore for fictionally taking her virginity.

4. Maud Adams

Swedish model who played the villain Scaramaga’s doomed girlfriend in ‘Man With The Golden Gun’ and the eponymous character in ‘Octopussy’. I loooooooveeee Maud Adams. She’s finer than fuck. The publicity shots of her in a black one piece are great. There’s a scene in ‘Man With The Golden Gun’ when Scaramanga kind of fellates her with his golden gun (pun slightly intended). In an interview in GQ, Roger Moore mentioned that Hervé Villechaize who plays the henchman Nick Nack in The Man With The Golden Gun approached Maud Adams, his eyes at the level of her mini skirt, as they walked across the lobby of the Peninsula Hotel in Hong Kong.  Hervé then said to her, “Maud let me fuck you.” And she looked down and said, “If I found out that you have, I’ll be very angry.”

She thankfully got her kit off in the 1982 movie Tattoo as the object of schizoid Bruce Dern’s affections. Facts state that she is the only woman to ever come back for a second James Bond film… Why? ‘Cause she’s so fucking awesome, that’s why!

3. Claudine Auger

Played the main Bond girl in Thunderball. Won Miss France and was also the first runner-up in the 1958 Miss World contest. Her voice in the film was dubbed by Nikki van der Zyl.  Claudine Auger is the best looking 1960s Bond girl in my eyes. Sultry, sexy and simultaneously classy. It’s the classic French trifecta. I don’t know what it is with French women… They’re so sexy, dirty and yet classy at the same time. The kind of combination, professional douche bag John Mayer might describe as ‘sexual napalm’.

“Is That my wife”?

“Mr Woodman, I’m ready for my close-up”.

2. Talisa Soto

Played the Lupe Lamora, the bad guys’ girlfriend in the fantastic Timothy Dalton vehicle ‘Licenced To Kill’ (1989). These pictures do not do Talisa justice. She’s smoking hot. Watch the film. Absolutely stunning. I’d eat my dinner out of her ass.

1. Eva Green

Played the sultry Vesper Lynd in Casino Royale (2006). I don’t fall in with this current Daniel Craig hype. Don’t get me wrong, Casino Royale was a great film, better than all the Pierce Brosnan films that preceded it (with the possible exception of ‘Golden Eye’), but ‘Quantum of Solace’ (2008) was average at best and Skyfall (2012) is nowhere as good as people claim it is. HOWEVER, Eva Green is the hottest Bond woman of ALL TIME. Beautiful face, amazing tits, full lips and a hint of a back story behind those soulful eyes… Simultaneously virginal and sexy, a brunette with blue eyes is always so damn exotic and when coupled with a set of lung warts like these, simply unbeatable.

Honourable mentions:

Margaret Nolan

Played Dink in ‘Goldfinger’ (1964). The voluptuous blonde who is giving Bond a rub down in a Miami hotel and who is ceremoniously brushed off with a slap on the ass and the admonition to leave when there is “… man talk…”

Halle Berry

Played Jinx in ‘Die Another Day’ (2002). Looks extremely hot in a bikini, but having seen the goods unleashed in the inexorable film ‘Swordfish’ (2001). I know the whole package doesn’t quite deserve a place on the list.

Honor Blackman

The amazingly named Pussy Galore in ‘Goldfinger’ (1964). I have never understood why people rate her as one of the best Bond women, other than possessing a fantastic rack. She was older than Connery when they filmed the quintessential Bond film. Which would be fine if her face didn’t demonstrate that fact.

Diana Rigg

Tracey in “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service’ (1969). Diana Rigg is beautiful. Sadly not in this Bond film however. She looks downright fuggers in fact. Don’t know what they were thinking with the costumes and hairstyles, but the stylist should have been put in an iron maiden for messing up the opportunity.

Posted by Horatio Cornblower